The Leader I Never Planned to Be

More Is Caught Than Taught

I lead best when I am not trying. When I try, things get messy. They rarely turn out as planned.

Lunch with Agendas

One summer in Door County, I worked at Al Johnson’s Swedish Restaurant with two high school friends. We met for lunch to catch up after our first year of college and to talk about the summer ahead. We were young, steeped in campus ministry, eager to be light, to show God’s love to our coworkers. I came armed with printed goal sheets—tidy plans, a system to make an impact.

“Chill, Dean,” they said, grinning. “We’ll walk. We’ll have bonfires by the lake. We’ll be present, not agenda-driven. The Spirit doesn’t run on schedules. Breathe.”

They were right. Leadership, I began to see, could be less about control and more about presence.

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Flowers in the “Manure”

Years later, I stood on a chair in front of my eighth graders, trying to inspire. They were an advanced group—bright, eager, the kind who wanted to be there. I spoke of struggle, of getting hands dirty, pressing into the work. Then I went too far. I said flowers grow in “manure”—only I did not say manure—and maybe we should not despise the mess.

At that moment, a well-dressed woman walked in, carrying the aura of central office—the kind of presence that makes teenagers groan and teachers measure their words. The room stilled. I was still on the chair when she looked up, smiled, and said,

“Don’t worry, Sweety. I’m your new student teacher.”

Then to the class: “He’s saying you have permission to speak truthfully. No worries. Be honest.”

The room exhaled. So did I. That year she taught me more than I could ever teach her.

Later I heard Simon Sinek say the definition of a leader is simply this: they have a follower. It came so softly I almost missed it. No polish, no thunder—just a plain line that grew heavier the longer it echoed. Leadership isn’t a title or a chair. It’s the moment someone trusts you enough to lean in, even when your words stumble, even when you are still learning what they mean.

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Leading from Within

Things aren’t always as they seem. Heroes follow. Guides lead. Victims show courage. Villains can wear polish. My wife, Lindsey, puts it simply: lead yourself first. Keep promises to yourself.

I’m reminded of Gandhi. A mother asked him to tell her son to stop eating sugar. Gandhi said, “Come back in ten days.” When she did, he simply told the boy, “Stop eating sugar.” The mother was puzzled. Why the wait? Gandhi replied, “Because I had to stop eating sugar first.”

He led himself before leading the boy. His authority came from living the truth he spoke. Leadership is integrity before instruction. It is the slow work of trust.

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The Geese Overhead

Look at a V of geese in the sky. The one at the tip seems to lead, but it’s not so simple. That goose breaks the wind, tires, and falls back. Another takes its place. They rotate, share the load. Their honks encourage, not scold. If one falls, two drop out to stay with it—until it recovers or dies.

Leadership is presence, rotation, encouragement. Not power. Not posture. And always, trust. As Lindsey says, education moves at the speed of trust. Maybe leadership does too.

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So, Am I a Leader?

Do I see myself as a leader? Not in the world’s way—not in titles, systems, or polished words. But maybe in small ways: showing up, speaking truth (even when it stumbles out messy), keeping promises to myself so I can keep them for others.

Leadership isn’t being out front. It’s being with. It’s walking in formation, wobbling, falling back, honking encouragement into the cold air so someone else knows they are not alone, not forgotten, not foolish for keeping on.

Maybe that is all leadership ever was: showing up with enough presence to help another soul keep flying.

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Tags: leadership, presence, integrity, teaching, vocation, formation, spiritual practices, everyday sacred, trust